Splendor in the Grass

This Feb 19th was the 23rd anniversary of the day I was told that the young man I loved had committed suicide. It is always a hard time of year for me to get through without waxing melancholic. I cannot help but wonder about how different life would have been; not just for myself but for all the other people who loved him, and whose lives he tenderly touched, as well; similar to Jimmy's Stewart's movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." One cannot help but have a deep sense of loss, even after all these many years, for all the gifts and talents he possessed which have been forever lost to us all. Such a sad, sad waste of such a beautiful and deeply precious life. So much more died that day, than a precious and deeply loved young man. My innocence and naivety also died---for the mask of life was torn off, and I was left to gaze in horror upon its ugly underside. Suicide was something that was supposed to happen to other people with no real purpose or potential; or so I'd thought. How could God have allowed someone with so very much to offer His world, to be simply wiped out and (by far too many, but never by me) forgotten? Many dreams I'd had of a home full of children with this man died as well. I had to find /develop new dreams, a new reason to go on in life. It was not easy. Very very few ever knew how hard a time I had of it. Most of the time, I was not even aware myself, as I threw myself into work, and avoided dealing with the heartache by remaining extremely busy. Gradually over the years, I've finally allowed myself to do the grieving he was so worthy of. I had been too afraid to let myself feel the pain, or deal with the grief much initially, out of fear it would incapacitate me. I had to keep moving......Life had become all the more precious to me, and I was desperate to now make my own count for something. To NOT be forgotten when my own time came to die....Still-- every February, I go back in my heart to a time of singing youth, when life was vibrant, and love was pure and solidly true...to a young man named John with a hearty laugh and a handsome grin; who could make me seasick just by standing near me; and made my heart sing in a way it had never known before--all without knowing it, or trying... Back to the strong bodied man with the heart and innocence of a tender child...To a radiance of love lost at the end of a noose, alone in a shed....

The feelings I go through each February were movingly captured for me in the movie Titanic a few years ago. Only those who have lost love so young, can understand, as the old woman in the movie did, how the heart goes back in one's dreams to that place of radiance, over and over, looking to reconnect with the love that was lost. The movie's theme song ("My heart will go on" ~see below~) caught me totally off guard when I heard it, striking deep into that place of my most private heart wounds. When I heard it, I almost couldn't breathe, and found myself unexpectedly sobbing like a child in the movie theatre. I was not able to control it; the grief simply welled up, and demanded to finally be voiced once and for all. I turned my face to the wall, and surrendered to its overflowing Niagara force... and it felt SO VERY GOOD. I soon didn't care that I was in public. I didn't care that others might hear me. I was able to finally feel what I had denied my heart for so long, and there was such a release in that. I am grateful for that moment of grace from the Lord..... After that evening, I slowly began to heal and find new meaning for my life. Life is still good. I am so very sorry you gave up on it John, and that I was not able to make you want to continue living it. I will never, ever forget you, or stop loving you.... You were indeed worthy of that....however, "my heart will go on...." "...What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind... "

~William Wordsworth ~ Ode: Imitations of Immortality

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(Love Theme from Titanic ~ My Heart Will Go On~) can be listened to (with lyrics) at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAuRoAUV19o

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