All Tied up in The Wireless Net.

Having accomplished the first goal I set out to achieve in setting up my blog, I am sitting in Borders sipping coffee, and able to write my blog wireless from somewhere other than my computer desk at home. This victory has not come without its defeats. Just today I failed to get my new laser mouse to work with my desktop computer, and had to temporarily buy a new wired one until I can figure out the problem. I also tried to set up a router so I could use my new laptop wirelessly at home, but it also has not connected for some reason; forcing me to still have to plug in my laptop at home. I did manage to get Norton 360.4 working on my old desktop this morning, (just in time to prevent the yearly meltdown when my annual subscription expires). I found, however, that I'd assumed wrongly about the new technology, and I'm not able to go wireless anywhere I wanted, without first paying $100.00 connection fee (plus a two year contract) as well as a $60.00 monthly fee to be able to buy the kind of technological freedom I was hoping for when I started this venture. A two year contract....sounded like a committment that I was unwilling to make. After all, why should I have to 'tie myself down' to a company for two years to get freedom of movement? Didn't sound so freeing to me afterall, but more like a new form of bondage. I said ''no thank you" to the clerk who was attempting to sell me these new chains, and left the store with my independence still somewhat intact. I headed to Borders quite defeated, to buy one of those "computers for dummies" books, hoping to drown my sorrows in a hazelnut coffee, while attempting to learn the answer to the many technological mysteries I'd encountered. You can therefore imagine my delight, when, upon approaching the store, I saw a large sign in the window offering free Wi-Fi to all customers!.... What a concept!! Thus, I sit here triumphantly sipping my coffee, dreaming of a day in the future when I can venture beyond the borders of 'Borders' to bring you my latest blog. In the meantime, the coffee is great, the store has some amazing books for dummies like myself on a variety of topics, and I'm able to get out of the house... I'm happy to celebrate any small victories I can manage in attempting to survive the current technological onslaught. If you are ever in Borders, come have a coffee with me, and let's swap war stories.....

~Weeding Carrots~

In an attempt to beat the heat and humidity we were scheduled to get today, I got up very early this morning and went into my garden to get some weeding done before the sun came up very high. The grass was still wet from the rain the night before, and the neighborhood was quite peaceful with everyone else still enjoying their Saturday sleep-in time. The birds joined me in having an early morning song of gratitude to God, for His goodness and provision.
I have writtten about my garden before; back when it was still an idealistic beginning of a dream. Now, it was overrun with weeds, stunting the growth of the plants I had worked so hard to put in. We have had several weeks now of unusual heat and humidity; and though I have faithfully watered my garden every evening (due to the lack of rain) I have greatly neglected to keep up with the weeds, which had now taken over. I just didn't have the energy after working all day to face not just the work of weeding, but weeding in the heat. I was determined this morning, however, to make an attempt to regain some control.
I started, as is my nature, with what was easiest; the tomato plants. They are still producing their fruit for me, and deserved my attention. Their stalks are also large enough to easily distinguish them from the weeds around them. After the tomatoes, I spent the next half hour or so bent over hoeing around the eggplants, broccoli, green peppers and green onions. Way back in the corner, however, I knew my true challenge awaited me; the carrots. I saved them for last. I had planted them close together in 4 rows, and now I was paying the price, as they were too close together for me to hoe. I had to get on my hands and knees and painstakingly pluck out one weed at a time, lest I accidently pull up the carrots with the weeds.
Down on my knees, next to my carrots, I got to thinking; so much of my heart was represented in that patch of earth. Sometimes it is very very hard to tell the difference between what is good fruit, and what are just plain weeds. We THINK we are serving God. We are doing all the right things, we even have our good deeds pilled up high and packed in close together---but closer still will always be the weeds of wrong motives, selfish intentions, and self-righteousness. These are always at the ready to choke out and render lifeless what we had planted for God in hope. It is easier to just do the regular watering; read the Word, sing songs, go to church when expected. We don't like the uncomfortable heat of the nitty-gritty of weeding. We want to assume we will get the same abundant fruit if we just keep watering and leave the weeds alone. But the sad fact is, we won't. I did manage to accidently pull up a few stunted carrots as I was weeding. They were pathetically small compared to what I had expected by now. I got what I had worked for, however as I hadn't been willing to put in the labor intensive work required to get the good and abundant fruit. Now I was paying the price--pulling up weeds that were larger than the fruit I had anticipated. Was my heart like that as well? Lord, have I been neglecting the hard work of confession and repentance; all the while assuming my spiritual life would still thrive with steady watering with the Word? Have I been unwilling to get down to the nitty-gritty with you and try to distinguish what my true motivations were behind my good deeds, so you could uproot the inpure intentions, and clean up my heart? Was I now reaping the chocked out life our Lord spoke of, which I had sown? (Matt 13:22)
Oh Lord, here I am. A stunted child of yours, ready to be overrun by the weeds in my own heart. Help me to see; to distinguish between what is that which will bring true fruit, and what will only kill the seed in the end. Cause me to put in the hard work required to pull things out by the roots, so you can revive me. Revive me, Holy Spirit. Bring your scorching heat of noon, and allow all that was never planted by you to dry up and wither in the brightness of your sun. And bring on the showers of your grace and love, that I might drink in again of your goodness and kindness, and rise high in the fields to bear you the good fruit you intented me to bring forth for your glory. Amen.

25 of my Favorite Things

When I was in high school, I was in the school production of the musical, "The Sound of Music". One song had the line, "these are a few of my favorite things" which listed a long line of favorite things. I had that song in my head for some reason tonight, so thought I would give you an example of 25 things I'd have named if I had to make such a list.
1) the smell of Lilacs in bloom
2) the beach by moonlight
3) a fresh word from the Lord
4) poetry that is phrased just right
5) well written literature
6) a good turn of phrase/ puns
7) the fresh smell of clothes from the clothesline
8) the calming sound of a babbling brook over rocks
9) the happy laughter/squeels of children
10) a manly man......
11) melodious guitar music
12) A day to myself with no obligations
13) long scenic drives /exploring unknown roads
14) the majesty of mountains
15) waterfalls
16) Warm tomatoes fresh off the vine
17) The softness of cashmere & fluid flow of silk
18) The sweet smell of freshly mowed grass & wood smoke
19) The colors blue and green
20) a hot cup of Earl Grey tea with honey
21) footrubs & backrubs
22) intellectually stimulating conversations /documentaries
23) the hush and beauty of the silence after a newly fallen snow
24) sleeping until I'm no longer tired/waking rested
25) A long road trip alone--at my own pace--singing along with the radio...

What are your favorite things?

Woodland meditations

Next to my picture in my high school yearbook is a quote from a poem by Robert Frost: "...Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less travelled by; and that has made all the difference..." I didn't know why I chose that particular quote at that time; I just liked it-- nor did I know that, the summer after I graduated, such a choice of divergent paths would indeed come to me and mark my life as different forever after. I was thinking about that verse today as I took a walk at Bluff Point State Park in Groton, CT. The park has a path that follows the shoreline out to the seaside bluff, but it also has a less travelled path up a hill and through the woods that also eventually leads to the bluff. Smiling as I remembered that poem, I took the less travelled path today....

As I mounted the initial hill, I noted an immediate change. There was suddenly a reverent hush around me, as I left the more crowded path. I had been surrounded, up to that point, with alot of other people; bikers, riders on horseback, yelping dogs, crying children, people conversing, etc. I'd observed that very few of them seemed conscious of their surroundings, as they were so taken up in conversations, or in reaching the end of whatever form of exercise they were diligently pursuing. But now, as I entered upon the more solitary path, my own pace lessened a bit as I became aware of the quiet beauty all around me. Unhurried now, I listened more as I walked. The gentle wind in the leaves of the trees seemed to be harmoniously singing with the songbirds. My steps tred more gently on the path so as not to block out the lovely sound of the woods. I took the time to sit for a while on a small bench, and allowed myself to simply BE for 10 minutes. The stillness was so peaceful, and I realized it had been this, even more than exercise that had drawn me to the quiet woods in the first place. Why are we always in such a hurry? Why do we allow ourselves to be so rushed through life; to the point where we have no time to enjoy it? A friend of mine once wisely reminded me that 'God had made us human BEings, not human DOings.' I thought that was so wise then, and am reminded of it often when I find activity crowding out meaningful meditative moments in my life.

The road-less-taken for me, was following Jesus; a calling I received in August after my senior year of HS, 1975. There was just something about those Christians in the Bible study I had begun attending, which made me want to go back again and again--even if they did seem a bit weird to me--talking directly to God and all.... What was it? Why were they so happy? What made them so loving and welcoming to a stranger like me? It wasn't so much what they did, or how much they talked--it was something more intangible, which I now realized I longed for----peace. And not just any peace, specifically peace with God...They weren't struggling or seeking to find God, like I was; they were celebrating His having already revealed Himself to them by a 'Holy Spirit' they talked alot about. And sing? I'd never met grown ups who loved singing more, or who did so with so much joy...I just had to have this Holy Spirit--I had to find peace with God. So, I did what they told me. I humbled myself and I asked. I knew I wasn't worthy; that I had sinned against a Holy God. But amazingly I was assured that Jesus KNEW all about my sin, and had died in order for me to be cleansed of them. All I had to do was confess my sins, invite Jesus to take control of my life as my Lord (being prepared to obey Him) and then ask the Holy Spirit to come live inside me, giving me the ability to follow and obey Jesus which I lacked when left to myself. --I did---and He was faithful to receive me as his child. For, "As many as received Him, to them gave He the power to become sons of God, even to them that believe on His name... (John 1:12 KJV)

All these things I thought about today as I sat on the bench. Where had that quiet peace, that inner reassurance gone? Had I become so taken up with DOing the Christian life---that I had stopped knowing how to simply BE a Christian? Something a new Christian is taught is that they must 'witness' or tell others about the amazing things God has done for Mankind, by sharing the gospel with them. So often times, one can fall into a mindset that begins to have us believing our peace with God now depends on our behaving ourselves and doing Christian works, or witnessing. We fall ito false condemnation when we fail to live up to our own false expectations of what a good Christian should 'do'. I thought of this today and recalled something someone else had taught me---that Jesus told His disciples, 'You shall BE my witnesses..' (Acts 1:8) He never said, 'you shall DO witnessing'. For when our hearts are full of belief in the glorious truths of the Gospel--that someone has already paid in full the price we owed God---not only the death we deserved for our sins, but also lived the righteous life in our stead which we could never work up----we can't but be full of joy all day long--and such joy is a magnet; it 'witnesses' to those around us that what we believe must be true--or it is at least worth investigating further... Such joy says more than our words ever could....

The sermon in church today was based upon Psalm 127, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it....for He giveth His beloved sleep...(rest)" My walk continued on, eventually leading out to what was once the home of the Govenor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony--Gov John Winthrop Sr. He later bequeathed the house to his son who became Govenor of Connecticut, Gov. John Winthrop Jr. Despite being a well-made house that lasted several hundred years, it was totally wiped out in the now infamous Hurricane of 1938. The land had once belonged to the King of England, before passing into the ownership of the Sr Winthrop. What is amazing is that, despite all the time that has passed, and all the tragedy that has befallen it, it can still be located and identified as having been the home of the Winthrops, and former property of the King. How can this be? The foundation remains to this day. Regardless what may be built upon it or not, it is that foundation which was laid and which remains which belies anyone to lay claim to anything different. Our Lord told a parable about houses being built upon either sand or rock, and which would remain and which would be utterly destroyed when the hurricane came. In that parable, (Matt 7: 24-27) it is the foundation that was laid in the beginning which was known to make all the difference in the end. This house's foundation was made of rock-and it testifies-it witnesses, to this day as to who the Master of the house is; who can lay claim to the property. So with us. If the Lord has laid His foundation in our heart, He has not built in vain there. Herein is our confidence and 'sleep'/ rest He has given us...

Over the years, some of those from my original Bible study group have gone off in another direction, and built up strange edifices upon the original foundation that was laid---the foundation of Jesus Christ. (1 Cor 3:11) It can be painful and upsetting to think that those who led me to peace with God could wander away themselves down a different path later. However, I was comforted looking at that foundation today. The house is destroyed, as well as any outward proof of who the rightful owner of the property is--but the foundation remains, and testifies to the truth. Thus would the Apostle Paul want us to be comforted as well as we meditate upon that scene, and the words of (1 Cor 3: 10-15) "...as a wise masterbuilder, I laid a foundation and another is building upon it. But let each man be careful how he builds upon it. For no man can lay a foundation other than the one that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if any man builds upon the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each man's work will become evident, for The Day will show it, because it is to be revealed with fire; and the fire itself will test the quality of each man's work. If any man's work which he has built remains, he shall receive a reward. If any man's work is burned up, he shall suffer loss; but he himself shall be saved, yet, so as through fire..." How can this be? Timothy tells us: " Nevertheless, the FIRM foundation of God stands, having this seal: The LORD knows them that are His...." (2 Tim 2:19)

It is the foundation, saving faith in the Lord Jesus, that will save us in the day of God's wrath that is coming. Not our works--however good they may be--nor will the lack of good works condemn us. (Consider the thief on the cross who had no time for good works. (Luke 23:33, 39-43) It is the work of Jesus Christ, and Him alone, and our faith in the complete adequacy of His work, which will save us in the hurricane to come. I know who the King is who my wayward friends belong to. He will recognize His own handiwork in the end.....Still, it is always wise to ask those we meet: What foundation is your life built upon?....

As I turned to head back down the path to home, I saw something I'd not noticed on the way out. Lots of broken down stone walls all along the way. Someone had worked hard several hundred years ago as they cleared their land for crops, lugging those big stones to the edge of the fields to build up a boundary wall. They had worked with skill, for, though not completely intact, those walls still stood to 'witness' to their labor. I recalled the weeping before the Lord of Nehemiah when he had been told that the boundary wall of Jerusalem had been broken down. (Nehemiah 1:3-11) Nehemiah was grieved that the city which was once known in the world as the City of God in the earth, was now exposed, and overrun by her enemies. God's name and glory had become a thing of mockery among the nations because of the unfaithfulness of His people. Nehemiah, whose name means 'comforter', and, as such is a picture of the Holy Spirit at work in the Old Testament, was grieved in his heart. Nehemiah did more than feel badly, however; he did more than weep; he interceeded on behalf of God's people. He came alongside them, became one with them in their sorrow and pain, and entered into their efforts by rebuilding the walls with them. That wall in Jerusalem represents the moral wall in our hearts. Have we allowed the enemy to overrun us, and disgrace God's name that we bear? Our comforter wants to come alongside, and lead us in the rebuilding process. He does not stand aloof from us, condemning us. He grieves for and with us, loves us, and wants to comfort us as we rebuild the wall together. "Yet, there is much rubbish, and we ourselves are unable to rebuild..." (Neh 4:10) the people almost despaired....And so will we if we focus on all the 'rubbish' in our lives. We must look away from ourselves, our failures, however dishonoring to God we have been. Look to Jesus, who in at the right hand of God interceeding for us, and begin, like the Jewish people did---each one building right where they were. In their own home area first. It would have been overwhelming for any of them to think of making all the repairs. But God only asked each one to do their own part. By being obedient to that call, the wall was eventually rebuilt. And so in the church. Personal revival is the basis for all true corporate revival. Sometimes, we look like the Church in Sardis--(Rev 3:1)-having the name of being alive, but we are dead.....at times it all seems hopeless. At such times, we must remember the Valley of Dry Bones..(Eze 37:1-10) Like those bones we in the church are just as dead, dry and lifeless at times as well. We well wonder if such lifeless bones can ever live again....'THOU knowest, O God...'

God asks us to have faith---not in the ability of the bones to live, but in He who is able to give new life--and that more abundantly (John 10:10) When faith in God wells up in us, we are to prophesy by faith in our God, that they---that WE, SHALL indeed live again, and gain the victory which is ours in Christ!! The victory is ours, it is as sure as the resurrected Jesus sitting on His Father's throne, and it is ETERNAL, Hallelujah.....

"...Thus says the Lord, 'Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they come to life....'" (Eze 37:9)

The garden

My garden plot is a lovesome thing--
God wot!
Rose plot,
Fringed pool,
Fern grot--
The veriest school
Of peace; and yet the fool
Contends that God is not.--
Not God in gardens! When the sun is cool?
Nay, but I have a sign!
'Tis very sure God walks in mine.
- Thomas Edward Brown, My Garden

I read this poem almost 20 years ago, yet it is only in the last 3 years I have begun to plant a garden myself. (skipping last year, this is now my 2nd) This May I planted 10 tomato plants, a row of 3 kinds of lettuce, 4 eggplants, 4 broccoli plants, a row of bell peppers, a row of onions, chives and garlic chives, 4 rows of carrots, 2 rows of beets, a row of herbs consisting of basil, sage, dill, parlsey, oregano, peppermint, spearmint, a row of spinach, 8 cucumber plants, 8 butternut squash plants, 8 potato plants, 2 rows of green beans, 2 rows of peas, a row of corn 8 watemelon plants, a row of zucchini, a plot with 25 strawberry plants and a rhubarb plant, a rasberry bush, blackberry bush and a blueberry bush---AND put up a fence around the main garden all in one day. What is too much for me, will be shared or given to the local soup kitchen.
Although it is a back breaking activity at my age, it is also very satisfying to pick and eat vegetables that God & I have been co-laborers together in creating. I suspect parents feel this way regarding watching their own children mature and come to fruition. Co-laboring with God in the production of life is an awesome thing. It is what we were created to do as humans. As an unmarried woman, however, I had never before experienced this strange yet wonderful satisfaction. The Bible tells us that co-laboring with God spiritually is also a wonderful way to take part in the production of life of the best kind-- eternal life. As such, the Scriptures use the garden as an allegory to speak of the human heart. We do what we are able, but ultimately, spiritual growth, and the growth of life in all forms, comes from God alone. "I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth..." says the apostle Paul regarding the life of his disciples. (1 Cor 3: 6) We must look to God to cause our growth.
I have noticed that every garden plant has a specific weed that grows near it that looks alot like the genuine thing. (called tares in Scripture) If one isn't careful when weeding, one can pluck up the real plant along with the imitation. For this reason, God cautions us that Satan has sown tares in among God's genuine people in the church. Only God knows for sure who is genuinely His and who is not. We are His garden, the plot of His planting, the sheep of His pasture, as another Scripture portrays us, in (Psalm 100:3) It is not for the plants to be judging the other plants around them to pluck them out. The Lord said we are to allow them to all grow up together until the harvest. At maturity, it will be apparent what was the real plant, and what was the false, for only the real plant will bear the intended fruit. And the Bible makes clear what the fruit is what will distinguish the true plants of God: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galatians 5:22) Notice the fruit is not, speaking in tongues, performing miracles, ability to quote Scripture, regular attendence in church or Sunday school, music ministry, or any other kind of 'good work'. It is the heart motivation and the way one goes about such works that will be the distinguishing factor. So, in the Harvest, the Lord will easily be able to tell His people from the tares of the AntiChrist. Though he and or his followers may perform many awesome deeds--even miracles, and know the Bible forwards and backwards, though they may even be prominent leaders in a church, the distinguishing mark will be the fruit they will bear before men. We are told to not believe every spirit, but test them.....(1 John 4:1) Are they gentle, or contentious; humble or proud; receive glory for themselves, or give glory to God; love God's people or hate their witness; glutonnous and given to fits of anger, or self-controlled and temperate in all things? These signs will hold good in both the Antichrist, as well as those who follow him. The Bible tells us that in Eden, the first Garden, God habitually walked with Adam in the cool of the day. (Genesis 3: 8) God's promise to His redeemed people, His garden, was even more intimate: that He would "dwell in them, and walk among them.." (2 Corinthians 6:16) If God is truely dwelling IN us, then the fruit of the Spirit will manifest itself through us, as we come to maturity. This was the 'sign' referred to by TE Brown in his poem above. The peace of the spirit was in his heart, teaching him the ways of God.
What sign, or fruit, do we have to assure us that God is walking with us in our gardens????

~The Tyranny of the Urgent~

Whew---- (Shaking off a very dissheveled self....)

I've just escaped for a few minutes from the maddening merry-go-round of duties and responsibilities that have held me tightly in their centrifical grip for the past two weeks. I have been running from one task to another with only micro moments between them, and I simply had to break through it all long enough to catch my breath.....

Why is it that when we have nothing in particular on our agendas we are bored and unable to focus enough to be able to accomplish the 10,001 tasks which we suddenly remember we never got done; once we are too busy again to do anything about it? I think I'll need at least a year's sabbatical to call a 'time-out' and get caught up on all the projects I haven't completed--and then I will need at least another summer off after that so I can finally relax and enjoy being caught up! I don't remember what it is like to not have a voice inside my head nagging me about how far behind I am in everything. I SERIOUSLY NEED A VACATION.....(and I don't mean visiting relatives, as much as I love them.)

Where does one go to learn the perfect balance between not enough activity, and way too much? Is there a course one could take? (Not that I'd have the time to take it..!.) How is it that something as innocent as teaching a (free) English as a Second Language class one-Saturday-am-a-week to a few local Haitians has spiraled into a multi-evening preparation activity costing ME lots of money each month? I know, I know, I am a soft touch--they cannot afford their own books, and xeroxing isn't cheap--and how was I to know it wasn't tax deductible when I first bought all the supplies??? Now I am kind of stuck, as it was a one year committment I signed on for. If that was all I had to do, it wouldn't be so bad---but I am also taking a class to have my ham radio license updated to a higher level which will allo me to make more international calls. My first license was not that hard to obtain. I assumed the next level would be similar. No one told me that the course I signed up for this time, however, involves alot of mathematical power equations and electrical principals and circuitry---my brain was not expecting to ever have to be used in that way again, after high school, so it came to me as quite a shock!! However, now that I have gotten through the toughest chapter in that book and am still standing, I'm feeling rather good about surviving such an intellectual onslaught.... I'll take the test the end of April--and sure hope I'll still remember what I just learned by that time...

With all this in mind, blogging today for the first time in almost a month is a real stress relief for me----like having a cup of tea with a good friend. It is a dark, cold, and rainy day today; the kind of day that forces one inside to rumminate about better days, and happier things. For me, that would be writing. Essays, poems, or just simple commentaries; they all would fill the bill on such a day. To huddle alone over my keyboard with a warm cup of Earl Grey fragranting the air, sharing my struggle against the 'Tyranny of the Urgent' with all of you, has already strengthened me to stand strong and fight again another day.....but I don't have time to wait for another day ---I've got to get up now to cook something for tomorrow's church potluck, then head out into the rain to see my great-nephew for his 16th birthday party; I still have another chapter in the Ham radio book to read--(this week is all about Antennas), and...those dishes need doing, the laundry is behind, and I am on-call for work....and....and.....and....oh oh here I go, getting sucked back into the merry-go-round--(Large sucking sound) (!Gone!)

Splendor in the Grass

This Feb 19th was the 23rd anniversary of the day I was told that the young man I loved had committed suicide. It is always a hard time of year for me to get through without waxing melancholic. I cannot help but wonder about how different life would have been; not just for myself but for all the other people who loved him, and whose lives he tenderly touched, as well; similar to Jimmy's Stewart's movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." One cannot help but have a deep sense of loss, even after all these many years, for all the gifts and talents he possessed which have been forever lost to us all. Such a sad, sad waste of such a beautiful and deeply precious life. So much more died that day, than a precious and deeply loved young man. My innocence and naivety also died---for the mask of life was torn off, and I was left to gaze in horror upon its ugly underside. Suicide was something that was supposed to happen to other people with no real purpose or potential; or so I'd thought. How could God have allowed someone with so very much to offer His world, to be simply wiped out and (by far too many, but never by me) forgotten? Many dreams I'd had of a home full of children with this man died as well. I had to find /develop new dreams, a new reason to go on in life. It was not easy. Very very few ever knew how hard a time I had of it. Most of the time, I was not even aware myself, as I threw myself into work, and avoided dealing with the heartache by remaining extremely busy. Gradually over the years, I've finally allowed myself to do the grieving he was so worthy of. I had been too afraid to let myself feel the pain, or deal with the grief much initially, out of fear it would incapacitate me. I had to keep moving......Life had become all the more precious to me, and I was desperate to now make my own count for something. To NOT be forgotten when my own time came to die....Still-- every February, I go back in my heart to a time of singing youth, when life was vibrant, and love was pure and solidly true...to a young man named John with a hearty laugh and a handsome grin; who could make me seasick just by standing near me; and made my heart sing in a way it had never known before--all without knowing it, or trying... Back to the strong bodied man with the heart and innocence of a tender child...To a radiance of love lost at the end of a noose, alone in a shed....

The feelings I go through each February were movingly captured for me in the movie Titanic a few years ago. Only those who have lost love so young, can understand, as the old woman in the movie did, how the heart goes back in one's dreams to that place of radiance, over and over, looking to reconnect with the love that was lost. The movie's theme song ("My heart will go on" ~see below~) caught me totally off guard when I heard it, striking deep into that place of my most private heart wounds. When I heard it, I almost couldn't breathe, and found myself unexpectedly sobbing like a child in the movie theatre. I was not able to control it; the grief simply welled up, and demanded to finally be voiced once and for all. I turned my face to the wall, and surrendered to its overflowing Niagara force... and it felt SO VERY GOOD. I soon didn't care that I was in public. I didn't care that others might hear me. I was able to finally feel what I had denied my heart for so long, and there was such a release in that. I am grateful for that moment of grace from the Lord..... After that evening, I slowly began to heal and find new meaning for my life. Life is still good. I am so very sorry you gave up on it John, and that I was not able to make you want to continue living it. I will never, ever forget you, or stop loving you.... You were indeed worthy of that....however, "my heart will go on...." "...What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind... "

~William Wordsworth ~ Ode: Imitations of Immortality

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(Love Theme from Titanic ~ My Heart Will Go On~) can be listened to (with lyrics) at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAuRoAUV19o

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A Tribute to my Mother

My mother turned 86 yesterday. Those who have known her at all, know just how amazing that truely is. From the time I was 3 years old, until my 38th birthday, my mother had a drinking problem. So for my entire life, she was defined in my mind according to that all-controlling addiction. She had a stroke on my 38th birthday which kept her confined in the hospital long enough to help her get the alcohol out of her system and make a lasting change.
I have thought of her alot yesterday and today-----realizing I need to redefine her in my mind. She is so much more than a woman with a drinking problem--and always has been, though I didn't always see it. So, I want to write this blog tonight to tell you about my mother, the woman; and the things I have learned from her which have shaped who I am now, as well.
When I think of my mother, I immediately think of strength. She has always been amazingly strong spirited. Her stubborness never allowed her to give in or give up easily--(or at ALL) This is a woman whose first fiance was killed in WWII, but did not allow herself to give up on life....going on to meet and marry my dad, bearing him 9 children. This example helped me go on in my own life when the young man I loved committed suicide when I was 29. I knew life could still be good.
Mom taught us about the value of every human life. Her greatest gift she ever gave to myself & my siblings, was each other. We never had alot materially, as money was tight, but we are an extremely loving and affectionate family. I wouldn't change even one of my brothers or sisters if you were to offer me ANYTHING else in all the world in exchange for them. They are each that precious, and offer their own unique flavor to our family mix. I love them dearly, and count them as my life's greatest treasures. Though we didn't have alot, we never went hungry, since she was so resourceful, able to make the most delicious homemade soups out of ham bones, chicken carcasses, etc. I owe my mother everything for instilling in me my deep love of reading. It was cuddling close on her lap as she read to me, that I learned the value of books and their ability to open up the entire world of knowledge to me through mere words. Mom taught me the importance of telling the truth, even if it meant getting in trouble. She told me that Jesus is the Truth, and if I push the truth away, I was pushing Jesus away. But if I embraced the truth, I'd be embracing Jesus, and He would defend me. I never forgot that. She taught me the importance of valuing everyone's work, even the most humble person and never looking down on someone else who was willing to put in an honest days work, even if it didn't pay them much. When my dad came home at night, my mother would always take the time to clean herself up before he arrived --and always encouraged us kids to greet him warmly--we would race to the truck to welcome him home. One night when he'd had a very bad day at work and had really been looking forward to our greetings and hugs, for some reason, we kids were distracted and were not there for him. Mom came to us after finding Dad crying, and she gave us the lecture of our life....she made us take everything out of all the cupboards in the kitchen, and also everything out of our bedoom closets etc and take an assessment of how much our father had provided for us. She told us of how hard he worked to provide for us (he never even once took a vacation) and that the least we could do for him was to lovingly greet him when he returned home each night. I don't think we ever missed greeting him again...Mom was the one to make sure we went to church and catechism classes; even when she didn't always go herself. It was she who taught me to say prayers at night, and patiently worked with me until I could recite my bedtime prayers by heart. Mom was the one who was the strict disciplinarian, and kept us in line and out of trouble. I also inherited my love of writing from my mother. I believe if she hadn't drank she could have been a writer. She wrote a children's story called Santa's Christmas Cold which we all took turns taking to school to read to our classes. She also wrote an article on the 'Grand Old Griswold' Hotel that Yankee magazine picked up on and published. Mom shaped my thinking during the civil rights movement of the 1960's telling us--"don't you dare think you are better than them (black people)--they bleed the same way you do...I don't ever want to hear of any of my children being prejudiced..." When one of my sisters later tested the sincerity of her beliefs, by announcing her desire to marry a black man; though it was a difficult thing during those days, my mom supported her--and later helped to raise her children when the marriage failed--taking the grandchildren in and loving them dearly so that some of their fondest memories today are of those early days in Grandma & Grandpa's house.
There was much that was bad about the example my mother set for me. But there was also much good. My problem in not being able to see it was that I was blinded to her good points by the pain that the drinking caused myself and our family. It has taken me many years to get here, but I can see today that God has indeed used it all to my good, and I am glad God gave me the mother that He did, in His wisdom. May I prove worthy of the legacy she's given me.

Lazarus at our doorstep (Luke 16:20-21)

As the 'dust' of Haiti's earthquake news settles, (literally), I'm beginning to think more and more about what my own response should be, beyond sending money. Several have asked if I am 'going down to help'. Many of you know that I have long had a burden for the people of this impoverished island, and at one point tried very hard to go there to do mission work. Due to the constant civil unrest in Haiti, however, my denomination was never able to get things built up enough at their mission to take more than short term workers for one or two weeks at a time. It will be 20 years next year, since I believe God called me to serve this people. Having never learned how to do so long term on the island itself, I have prayed consistently for them, gone on several short terms mission trips, and helped the Haitian people I know who live in the USA. The news of the earthquake last week, rocked my world, as well as the country of Haiti. I am now 52, and lack the energy I once had. I am established in a job in America, with otherwise no visible means of support. I have no specific direction at this time, as to just who I'd work with. All the mission agencies I have looked up online are not yet sending in medical teams. Even the American Red Cross is not taking nursing volunteers who have not first gone to all their many disastor preparedness classes. All those things mean nothing ultimately if God wants me to go. However, having no clear direction at present, I wait. I have never been a 'first responder' kind of nurse, and do not kid myself that I could just throw myself into that chaos, and do well. So, at this time, I am waiting and seeking the Lord's guidance as to what He would have me to do. This disastor calls for a sustained response lasting years, and requiring the rebuilding of the entire infrastructure, and govt. of the country. It is a momumental task, requiring the generosity and skills of the entire world to accomplish. I do not have a 'savior complex'. I know there is little, ultimately that I could personally accomplish. However, I also believe that God Almighty allowed this disastor to take place because He had had enough of the misery that was Haiti. In 37 seconds last Tuesday, He brought down the entire corrupt government that has kept this people shacked in poverty for generations. To God alone be the Glory!! The world can no longer ignore the plight of this people, nor continue to stop its ears to her cries for help. She is our Lazurus, lying at the gate of our rich and prosperous house; up until now, content to be fed from the crumbs of our American table. (Luke 16: 20-21) Woe to us, if we do not rise up as a people, and welcome her in, bandage her wounds, feed and comfort her in her hour of greatest need. God expects more than our crumbs this time; He wants us to give our very selves to Him in this cause--to put ourselves, and our wealth, at His disposal so that He might once and for all answer the prayers of this nation---and redeem us from our national narcissm at the same time.
So, here I am Lord, if it be Your will, send me in your own good timing. I only ask that you make the way plain before me, and sustain me all along the way....

Cry, The Beloved Country

Haiti, a nation only 90 mile offshore of one of the most wealthy nations on earth has been devastated by an earthquake this week, in ways no other modern nation would face. Haiti not only had almost every building in her capital destroyed, but, unlike other nations, it doesn't have the resources to respond to this quake. It doesn't have ambulances, nor does it have running water or electricity in most of the nation. It doesn't have the equipment to remove the heavy concrete--which is everywhere. One bright spot in this tragedy is that the Haitian government which has largely ignored the plight of its own people for decades, has been totally crippled. No one knows at this time who has, and who has not survived, even among the cabinet. My prayer is that God perhaps has finally eliminated those who have held back the welfare of this people for so long. I believe when all is said and done more than 150,000 people will be dead. Many who are currently termed survivors, will not make it, since the distribution of water has been delayed by the air-traffic control problems at the airport, as well as the inability to easily get the supplies into the capital due to the main road into Port-au-Prince being blocked with concrete everywhere. Many, many more will die of dehydration, and disease long before the calvary finally comes. And this doesn't even take into account the hundreds of thousands dead and dying throughout the nation---as the relief effort is focused only on the capital at this time. This is a city that will literally need to be bulldozed, before it can ever be rebuilt. This, however is where hope lies. In bulldozing the current city, it would be possible to finally lay a sewerage system in this city---something it has never had before; to completely rebuild the infrastructure of this nation---with water, electricity and roads...To lay the groundwork for restoring Haiti to the beautiful nation it once was-and better--to match the spirit of its beautiful and resilient people.

This is what happens when someone is born again. God so shakes the foundations of life that nothing is left to rely upon in oneself. When looking over the ruin, that is our world, once God has said 'enough' to our sinfulness, and shaken us to the core by some unexpected tragedy.....we see nothing left that is worthy to build upon--all, ALL is worthless and vain. "There is much rubbish, and we ourselves are unable to rebuild......" quoted Nehemiah in 4:10. The hope comes, not in our own ability to rebuild our lives, but in someone else coming along and doing the rebuilding for us. But before rebulding can start, the ground must first be cleared of all rubble. Something new and even wonderful can now replace that which has been destroyed. A New Creation, can be made, from the most destitute soul.......Oh God, redeem Haiti, whom your beloved Son died to save, and restore to your throne. You promised your Son "the Nations as an Inheritance" (Psalm 2:8) Do not allow the devil to have the Inheritance of Jesus. She is His blood-bought people, as much as we are. Hear her cries this night...cries that have sounded in your ears for centuries, and ...Oh God, Come and redeem this nation for Jesus' sake, who loved her unto death. Have Pity Oh God, on 'the least of all these, His brethren' (Matt 25:40).......Amen....

Calendars and other 'signs of the times'

Being a New Year, I made a point of changing all the calendars in my house yesterday. I enjoy calendars---especially ones with beautiful pictures with Scripture verses on them. This yearly ritual of 'the changing of the calendars', got my mind thinking alot about how we mark time.

The Scriptures tell us that God doesn't count time as we do, but that "with the Lord, one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day..." (2 Peter 3 :8) Not so for us, however. In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, he told us very specifically how we were to count time: 'evening and morning, one day.' That is the basic pattern. The sun told us when it was evening and when it was morning by its place in the sky. Then, by having created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th day, God set a weekly pattern for mankind to follow. (Ex 20:9-11) This pattern was further given to man in the form of months and years according to the waxing and waning of the moon, and the number of them. (Gen 1:14; Ps 104:19; Isa 66:23) Later God told the Hebrews what they were to call the various months. (Ex 12:1; 13:4)

If you have never studied these patterns or the Jewish Calender, it is very interesting, and still, to this day, holds secrets for us to unfold: Notice in the picture above, the zodiac forms a kind of 'wheel'. Could this be the 'wheel' Ezekiel said he saw in the sky ---looking up at the signs of the zodiac perhaps? (Eze 1:15-21) Did the signs of the zodiac somehow correspond to the Hebrew calendar, (which also is laid out in a similar pattern)? When God told Moses to build the tabernacle exactly according to the 'pattern shown him in the mount', was God patterning His tabernacle after the zodiac---were the twelve tribes of Israel laid out around the camp of the tabernacle in a pattern that corresponded to the heavenly pattern, or Zodiac? ---which some say originally told the gospel story in the star patterns...) Did the twelve gates of old Jerusalem, and the 12 new gates of the New Jerusalem correspond to the months of the year in the Jewish calender---Did each tribe, and later apostle correspond to a sign in the zodiac pattern? For example: tradition holds that the authors of the four gospels each representing one of the 4 main points of the compass, were represented in the four living creatures of Eze 1: 19; Dan 7:4-5; and Rev 13:1-2---Augustine stated Matthew was represented by the Lion--(His gospel depicted Christ as the King--the Lion of Judah); Mark represented the manhood of Christ (Servanthood depicted in His gospel) Luke depicted Christ as the perfect Priest; and as the Ox, he was the perfect whole burnt offering (Lev 4:3); and finally John's gospel depicted Christ as the Son of God, the heavenly one; thus, the bird that flies closest to the heavens, the eagle represented John. The fascinating thing is that the Zodiac has very similar characters at the four points of the wind...Aquarius, (the man who bears water) fits Mark's depiction of Christ as servant who pours out His Spirit upon us. Leo, the Lion fits with Matthew's depiction of Christ as King. Taurus the Bull, fits with Luke as the Ox, and finally, Scorpio has the Scorpion being crushed beneath the feet of Ophiuchus, the serpent holder, who in earliest times was depicted as an eagle....

There is definitely something very Holy and mysterious here that God was trying to communicate to man by all these patterns. Or was He preaching to the angels who were looking on in wonder? Though it has been corrupted, and used as a kind of God over time, originally the zodiac was created by God, who set the pattern of the stars in the sky to be to man as signs. (Gen 1:14) We are not to dabble in astrology, (attributing to the stars themselves the power to control life--for that power is God's alone)--it is strickly forbidden us, however we are to meditate upon the mysteries that have been revealed; and to the ancient world, the pattern of the stars in the sky had meaning for men given to them by God. Were they foreshadowing the gospel? Following are some other interesting things to consider, which show us why the Jewish calender is still relevant to us today.

When Jesus was Incarnated, he came to us at the very darkest time of year--around the time of the winter solstice--(some speculate ON the solstice, as a sign to men that God sends His Light into men's darkness, when they are at their darkest point.) From that point on, the days began to get longer/lighter. The darkness began to fade away, and all through the dark days of winter, God was silently preparing for us the miracle of new birth in the spring. All this symbolized Christ's coming into our hearts, and beginning to gradually sanctify us, and prepare for us for a fuller revelation of abundant life. In the Spring of the Hebrew calender, there is the feast of Passover and Unleavened Bread. Jesus, who was free of sin, or leaven, was sacrificed for us as our passover Lamb--and the wrath of God now passes us by when he sees that the blood of Christ has been applied to our hearts by faith.

During the first coming of Christ, Jesus literally fulfilled the spring feasts on the actual day they were being celebrated. The feast of Pentecost falls on the Summer Solstice---the brightest point in the year where, in some places, the sun never sets. It was actually on this feast day that the Holy Spirit literally brought 'eternal day' to the hearts of men by coming upon the apostles once for all in the upper room; God's love never again setting for them, based on their sin, but constant based upon the effective sacrifice of Christ. But once this happend, what took place in the calender? An interval we call 'Summer'-- when all the world comes into bloom...and this is how the Jewish Calender holds something for us still---for summer represents the time of waiting since Christ ascended--the time when the gospel began to bear fruit: The gospel went out into all the world, and the harvest is ripening everywhere while we await Christ's return.

The next Feasts in the Jewish Calender take place in the fall, and are yet to be literally fulfilled. The first of these is the Feast of Trumpets---when the Jews were called to come before the Lord to face his judgement for the deeds of the year past, with the blast of a ram's horn trumpet. This is known as Rosh Hasannah, or the dawning of the New Year (dawn of the new creation?) Now, what some do not consider, is that the Spring and Fall feasts of Israel are divided in this way in order to symbolise the two different comings of Christ. Now, if He literally fulfilled each Spring Feast on the actual day of its celebration, during His first coming, don't you think it is a very good chance He will fulfill the Fall feasts literally on the actual Day they are celebrated when He returns to the earth the Second time as well? If so, that would mean Christ will return at the sound of the trumpet blast on literally the last Rosh Hasannah in Israel. Or, at the "Last Trump'. After that, God enters into Judgement with the goats of the world, who will be seperated out from among Christ's lambs, and cast away.

The next fall feast is Yom Kippur--or the Day of Atonement--when the blood of Jesus Christ will literally defend His sheep against the wrath of God, when that Wrath is poured out upon the earth and its inhabitants. Lastly follows the Feast of Tabernacles, when God will finally once again dwell among His People---literally in His people, who have been built up into a Spiritual house, or Tabernacle for Him to dwell in.

When will all these things be? Jesus said 'the day nor the hour no one knows but the Father'. He did not say 'no one CAN know'--only that, at the time He said that, no one, not even He, knew. However, I believe that as Daniel wisely studied the Scriptures and the prophesies to determine the time of the return of the exiles, it is not wrong for us to study these things and try to understand the signs of the times. So, judging from the weekly pattern set by God Himself at the beginning of the world, it is speculated by many who study such things that the world will last 6,000 years--literally 1,000 years for one day, as God counts time. (2 Peter 3:8) At the end of those years, the seven thousandth year commences---and ushers in a 1,000 year reign of Christ--a literal Sabbath rest for all creation, during which God recreates the world anew. Then comes the end, when He offers up the Kingdom to God His Father, having put all His enemies under His feet.

Since God's revelation has been carefully guarded by the Jewish people since the beginning of time, it is important that we be aware of 'what time it is' on God's calender, which the Jews follow. Do you know what the Jewish Year currently is? It is 5771. If what I think is correct, then that would leave only 229 years until the end of the 6,ooo yrs of waiting---because if Christ is to come to reign for the full 1,000 years, He will do so at the very beginning of the year 6,000. Year 6,000 means that that is how many years have ALREADY past--thus, based upon the time frame which the Lord Himself gave us, in the parable of the ten virgins (Matt 25:6), I believe that, at the stroke of midnight, Jerusalem time, on Rosh Hasanah, year 6,000, (2239 by our calender) Jesus our Bridegroom will return to earth to collect His Bride, set up His kingdom on earth, and reign for 1000 years. You might say---but that is 229 years yet to go...yes, it may seem like a long time to us, but that is less time than our country has been in existence as a nation. We are indeed in the last days, and the Days ARE evil; we must Redeem the time brothers and sisters and make every moment matter in preparing the current generation of young people to carry and spread the gospel truth faithfully to the end.

Exercising 101

Today was the first day of our family-wide Biggest Loser contest. I didn't think I had any time to exercise today because I had things already preplanned. However when all was said & done I feel like I burned a TON of calories---Here was my day:

Got to bed around 12:30am, then got up at 6:45. Made my bed, dressed, threw a load of laundry in, then left the house by 7:45 to drive my car about 1/4 mile up the road to drop it off for oil change and inspection as the Check Engine Light was on. Walked home from the car dealer.

Put away the dry dishes, washed a sink load of several day-old dirty dishes, Started stew in the crock pot, did another load of dishes from the stew prep. Cleaned out my refrigerator. Did another load of dishes from all the leftovers that I either used up or tossed. Took out 2 bags of trash. Shoveled a foot of snow from my driveway, walkway, steps, etc. Packed up all my tapes, CDs and alot of other misc items from a large cabinet and a bookshelf in my living room that I had some men coming by today to help me move. (5-6 boxes worth of items.) Threw the laundry in the dryer, folded another previous large load of laundry and put it away. Noticed I have very little oil left, so notified the oil co. to deliver right away Monday am. Changed all the calanders in my house for the New Year. Moved items from one bedroom to another to make room for the furniture the men were going to be moving upstairs. Walked back to the car dealer to get my vehicle-(PTL--only 73.00 to diagnose it and change the oil--and it is only going to cost 180.00 more for parts and labor to fix next Friday--some kind of emissions item needed repair) Drove home. Then had to carry all the boxes (5-6) of heavy books and music items I'd packed upstairs. Took a hot shower, and changed out of my grubby clothes. My friends arrived, and moved the furniture upstairs. After they left, I dusted, dry mopped the hardwood floors, and vacuumed the carpets. Ran to the hardware store to get itmes I needed for several more household projects. Came home and finally sat down and enjoyed the delicious stew I'd made (if I do say so myself..) Got online to check email/ facebook accts and write a blog. I will leave the rearranging of the items in the spare bedroom on the shelves to another day, as I need to sit down tonight and pay some bills, and write my thank you notes for Christmas items I received.

The space I cleared in the living room was set aside so I'll have room to put a treadmill there once I find a good deal.....because I don't get enough exercise???? Ha ha.....It was a productive day, but I had no time to 'exercise' as I 'should'....